My Last Game that Wasn’t

It’s been a year of setbacks. Some of them were personal and some of them were bigger but, cumulatively, I was feeling as though it might be time to put roller derby behind me. It was a big decision and one I truly never expected to make. I often assumed that once I couldn’t play, I’d take on a new role and stay involved but, since I felt like a lot of people would prefer if I died in a fire, saying good-bye felt like what I needed to do.

I started to prepare a little and told my closest confidantes. Their responses were so soothing to my heart. None of them wanted me to go but understood why I’d be considering it. They promised their support in whatever I decided, reminding me that we are friends, derby or not. They say your truest friends are a reflection of you and I am humbled to be in such good company.

My beloved team had a game coming up and I wanted to play with them one more time, planning to announce my intentions soon thereafter. A local photographer was offering a package that, for a truly nominal fee, he would ensure at least 10 decent photos of me from the game. Wanting to indelibly document the evening, I reserved his services. My derby wife and her fiancé would be there to support me and even my husband and son, who hadn’t attended my past several games, planned to come as well. They all knew it would be a hard night and were ready to catch me when I fell.

Then, I attended my first all-league scrimmage in months to say good-bye to some people even if they had no idea that was what I was doing. To my surprise, I had several people corner me privately and tell me that they were happy I was there and that they were sorry about the things that had happened. There were high-fives and laughing. It didn’t feel weird to be there like I thought it would and only two people were rude which was far less than the number in my imagination.

That’s when I decided to stay.

Sometimes things get to be all-encompassing and take on a life of their own. I was isolated in my sadness – partly as a defensive measure to protect myself from sinking further and partly to make sure I couldn’t pull anyone else down with me. I felt like no one cared but, in retrospect, my defenses were so thick that I realize only now that most people had no idea. I deflected others’ concern for me and rebuffed their gestures of friendship. I assumed that everyone shared the thoughts of the loudest few. Everything was so much closer to normal than I imagined and I was being judged based on face value and nothing more. It’s embarrassing, as a woman in her 40s, to admit that I let it get this bad but I am so relieved to know the truth.

Going into the weekend’s game was so much different than how I had prepared for it. I was happy and excited. I interacted with my teammates more than they were likely used to. My support team/fan club all decided to come anyway, more in celebration than in sorrow. The game itself was fun and exhausting. It made me realize how much I still want to accomplish so I am triumphantly pushing forward.

This week, I have busted out the old me – the real me – and I am so incredibly glad to be back.

Eric took these. So grateful for his constant love and support.

A Not-So-Fresh Start

Without going into great detail, last year sucked and I was really looking forward to making 2016 a fresh start. I don’t know why flipping the calendar feels so significant but it does. Out with the old and in with the new, right? This is more than metaphorical for me, though. There are lots of ways in which I am actually starting over.

There are the good things – like deciding that anyone who wanted more information on “what happened” has either asked for it or drawn their own conclusions, putting it very much in the past. I have new league jobs where I feel as though I can less controversially make a solid contribution to our league’s business and my teammates. I am not as outgoing nor as trusting as I used to be, which I kind of feel is a bad thing, but wisdom doesn’t come easily and is always good.

While I’m getting my fresh start in the emotional (and political and social) aspects of my derby life, I feel as though my own body is at war with me:

• My sports medicine doctor says I suffer from Exertional Compartment Syndrome in my lower legs. He hasn’t done the pressure tests because it only happens while I am skating laps and doesn’t linger long after I stop or leak into my “real life,” so he doesn’t recommend me for surgery. The good part about knowing this is that finally a doctor listened to me! He asked a hundred questions! I know now that I struggled with my timed laps for as long as I did because there really was something wrong with me!  Regardless, after all this time, not being able to do more than a couple of laps without a ridiculous amount of suffering is more than discouraging. The more laps I do, the more it hurts so I slow down to manage the pain (and the eventual tingling and numbness and locking up) and then I slow down more just to maintain control. I imagine everyone is judging me – if not the first time they lap me, then definitely by the 4th, and the shame starts to hurt more than the pain and it is literally everything I can do not to take myself off the floor and sob about both. It makes me feel like I have no business skating but I passed my timed laps when I tried a couple months ago and I don’t hurt when I play (the doctor says because the movements aren’t as repetitive) so I’m here until neither of those things are true.
• I have developed Plantar Fasciitis in one of my feet. The good news is that it doesn’t hurt while I am skating. The bad news is that skating makes it hurt. A lot. So does running. So does just about everything involving my feet except getting pedicures.  This could improve when I lose some weight but it sure makes the road to get there a little more rocky. Maybe I will just wear my skates and get pedicures all the time. I’ll get a doctor’s note so no one can tell me I can’t.  I’m liking this idea…
• I have never learned how not to eat my feelings. Serving as league president, being the epicenter of a crisis caused mostly by ignorance and misunderstanding, and now taking on my challenging niece have given me a lot of feelings to eat. Not only have I regained every pound I lost when I started playing, but they brought friends.  This is disheartening but I know I have control. In fact, I actually came out of the holidays lighter than I went in so there’s hope! More than the weight, though, I was reaping other benefits like better blood pressure and heart rate and glucose levels.  Those are, fortunately, still better than they were when I started derby but not as good as they were 30 pounds ago. I am also getting some help for my feelings with anti-anxiety medicine. I feel like it’s important to say that because there is a stigma associated with getting mental help. Well, after experiencing a stress-related blood-pressure spike that probably should have given me a stroke, I didn’t have a choice but to try some medication to calm my nerves. I was grateful to still have the chance.

So, I start 2016 with some obstacles to overcome but I am delighted to have made our B-team (though I hope our C-team will allow me to sub for them) and am thrilled to come into this season as reigning home team champs!  For the first time since I started playing, I feel as though I have a place to build from and it’s comfortable. I know what I want – from the experience, from other people, and even with regard to gear. We’ll see what happens!

First Bout Day

What a wonderful day. I don’t even know where to start.

I spent the morning feeling nervous enough that I couldn’t finish my brunch and had no appetite all day. I kept trying to convince myself of something a visiting skater told me earlier in the week, “there is no physiological difference between nervousness and excitement. It’s all in your perception.” It worked periodically through the day but I just couldn’t shake the yucky feeling completely.

I was kind of kicking myself for signing up for set-up duties but it was then that I was finally able to shed most of my anxiety. Just being there, dressed, in plenty of time, and helping my friends with the various tasks we were assigned really took the edge off. There were several of us playing for the first time and a lot of positive energy and enthusiasm leading up to the first game.

There were 23 people who had come to support me. My husband and son, all but one of my very best friends and their families, other cherished friends, my dear aunt and my second cousin. They traveled from across town, across the state, and across the country and their derby experience ranged from first-time attendees and fans to former skaters. Their hugs and smiles that filled their whole faces gave me so much strength – and they yelled for me sooooooo loudly that I blushed a little.

My husband took my game off from NSOing to watch and he made me the cutest signs. Here is my favorite:

There were more signs, too, and I brought them all home and hung in my home gym/office. Who doesn’t need a little extra encouragement to push harder on the treadmill or make it through a boring conference call?

My friends showered me with gifts and shout-outs. Each one of them was so meaningful and made me feel so grateful, fortunate, and loved. In fact, everyone was so encouraging! One of our all-stars on my team gave me a great pep-talk before the game began and, later, when my league-mate playing on the other team pushed me out of bounds, she grabbed my hand and smiled after the jam was called! There was just so much love!

How did I do? I did some stupid stuff and some good stuff. There are so many areas needing improvement but I feel really good about it as my debut – while it surely could have been better, it certainly could have been worse. I can’t wait until next time – it was so much fun!

As if all of this wasn’t wonderful enough, our league photographer came out of hiatus to shoot this game and captured a really great shot of me. It is the most perfect souvenir from a night I will remember for the rest of my life.