Pants on Fire, Part One

I am a liar. I miss writing to all of you (and hearing your encouraging feedback) and I miss documenting this derby journey for myself, too. I guess I felt like, since I am in a bit of a holding pattern, that I didn’t have anything new or interesting to write about. Also, I was feeling awkward about celebrating or talking about what I am doing well when there is still so much for me to accomplish – especially when everyone who can clearly observe exactly how I am doing could read this. That fear has also been invalidated by observing that my league-mates are often quicker to recognize and acknowledge my successes than I am. So I am out of excuses – other than that I have no time to write – but I will do the best that I can.

So much has happened since my last entry and, at the same time, it feels like nothing has happened at all. To catch you up, this post has the potential to be the length of a novel. So, I will break it into pieces starting with what I think might be most interesting…what happened that was so embarrassing?

The event I couldn’t bring myself to write about boiled down to a really good practice and evidence that people I really admire were taking notice of me. I know everyone has “on” days and I have even had once since but this was my very first one and several things happened that me so happy. I will mention a few of them (because they still make me happy):

• We were in groups, in a drill simulating a jam and taking turns being the jammer. The first time I stepped up to the jam line, one of our vets warned the other girls blocking that I was going to be a challenge to hold back because I push hard. I was instantly flattered that she had noticed but then also inspired to live up to her assessment! Every time I stepped up after that, my drill mates got a little lower and a little closer and someone even said said, “uh oh – it’s her again.”
• We changed groups for the same drill and I found myself the lone freshie amongst several vets. While they understandably didn’t have the same reaction as my first group, I also didn’t get the feeling they were taking it easy on me. I got a glimpse into a level of intensity I haven’t seen before or since. I was used as a projectile, felt as though my ear was being torn off at one point, and was laid out good (not at all ironically by the same gal who warned my first group about me). It was awesome. Even though I have been doing this for seven months now, I have only scrimmaged 3 times. So anything that feels like we’re actually playing is very exciting and fun!
• In another drill, I surprised my partner with my strength and she said, “you are going to be a beast to get out of bounds,” and while I still have a lot of work to do before that is true, it was the first compliment I had ever received that alluded to my potential. Just knowing that someone you admire thinks you have potential is so inspiring.

Even though this practice happened months ago, I still draw from it when I need encouragement. There were even more good things that happened that day but I am already stepping out of my comfort zone and feeling like I am bragging on myself.

You may be wondering why this was so embarrassing that I couldn’t write about it before? Well I think it was my utterly euphoric cloud 9 reaction. Here’s how I felt after that practice. I am not embarrassed anymore – maybe because I’ve noticed others celebrating their own and each other’s successes, maybe because I’ve had another good practice since, and maybe just because enough time has passed.