I’ve waited too long to tell this story and, in doing so, have prevented myself from completely healing and moving on. I’ll open with a little recap for anyone new or who wasn’t paying attention when it was happening.
I started roller derby in April of 2012. I was old and out of shape but determined. Held back by crippling leg pain (I later learned was anterior compartment syndrome), I had the skills down by my first attempt at the test but it took more than a year to pass my laps and take the track in my first game. During that time, I looked for other ways to help. I held a very profitable silent auction, signed a lucrative sponsorship, and NSO’d. Shortly after that first game, running unopposed because no one else wanted the job, I was “elected” league president.
I went from being worthless fresh meat to resented leader but my heart was always in the right place. I was transparent in my communication because it is a member-owned organization and I made unpopular decisions based on the needs of the business rather than what the popular members wanted. They could hate all they want, no one else stepped up to do the job.
I went from being worthless fresh meat to resented leader
I have felt since then that the transition from Fresh Meat to President robbed me of the chance to build a group of friends. People who talked to me before I became president seldom did anymore. I was excluded from social gatherings unless they were official. All the while, I urged my husband to continue volunteering, including the replacement of several gun-laden logos and creation of new ones for two new teams in the league. I traveled to playoffs at my own expense to learn about what went into it so we could bring them to our city – and we did, too, hosting D1 WFTDA playoffs in 2015 which is still the only time derby at that level has been played in Florida.
Despite this triumph, I was even more hated within the league because I sided with my best friend and not her charismatic coach boyfriend when he started to mercilessly abuse her.
This was before #metoo and #believevictims and their situation played out in the court of league public opinion. Since he didn’t beat her and they had been happy before, obviously her claims must have all been lies. He was so jovial and generous! He was smart and funny! He was also seen as harmless and impotent in the way that young and beautiful women write off men they aren’t interested in but are nice to because they can get things from him.
I digress. I won’t tell their whole story as it is not mine to tell. I will summarize to say that he was a narcissistic abuser and that she was granted 4 restraining orders so at least the judge believed her.
Since I had very publicly sided with her before he turned his abuse on me, my response and the league’s response were seen as biased punishment executed against him by me on her behalf. In truth, I recused myself from the discussion and the decision because I knew there was conflict of interest. His offense, in the eyes of the league, was a Facebook post airing league dirty laundry for which he got a 2-week suspension. Since I also made a Facebook post, albeit with no mention of the league, I insisted I take the same punishment. Once there was a restraining order against him, it wasn’t up to the league, it was the law. I was still being blamed for “how the situation was handled,” despite having nothing to do with it beyond being there for my friend as she went through this terrible time.
Once he complied with the judge’s terms and the restraining order was dropped, the league leadership decided to let him back in. As I was still the president and not even told this was on the table, I resigned the presidency. It was too full of stress and bullying and heartache to continue with people who I couldn’t trust. Since I had also been working on sponsorship (there was no active chair despite there being 70+ people in the league who decided they didn’t need to pitch in at all), I told them I couldn’t continue with that any longer either. This was largely due to the demands of my day job and not all the drama. I simply saw some work that needed to be done and did it but couldn’t be accountable for it all the time.
In quitting both jobs, league leadership also took away my captain position for my home team. What’s worse is that this punishment was indefinite! No one could or would tell me when it would be over. This was against league rules we had adopted the previous season to prevent egregious punishments. When I tried to appeal to the disciplinary committee, the response I received was from the league secretary which was also not how that was supposed to work. Later, I was told of secret meetings that took place to manage me out – because I #believevictims? I can’t even believe I am telling this story about grown adults.
Why didn’t I just leave? I enjoyed playing the game. It pulled me from the brink of multiple metabolic illnesses. I didn’t know how I was going to keep that up if I quit and, truthfully, I haven’t. It wasn’t until my son underwent severe bullying at school that I fully saw what was also happening to me. I knew I couldn’t stay and set that example for him.
More than a year after being declared such a liability I couldn’t even be trusted to captain a home team, I was still the primary signer on the league bank accounts.
I had given so much and was quickly written off like I never mattered at all. More than a year after being declared such a liability I couldn’t even be trusted to captain a home team, I was still the primary signer on the league bank accounts. I could have literally withdrawn every penny the league had without recourse because I was the account owner. Such hypocrisy! I can count on the fingers of one hand the people who reached out with support and still have fingers left over. I am still friendly with those people though I really can’t bear engaging with them beyond social media niceties because I am still mad about this. I was treated so unfairly and put out like the trash.
In case you’ve come this far and still think this could still be a case of he said/she said, the charismatic coach has since embarrassed the league with a violent tantrum while at an away game and has since been permanently expelled. Sometimes I think how it would cost zero dollars for anyone from the league to reach out and apologize. Most of the time I know how little I want anything to do with anyone who thinks it’s ok to treat people the way they treated me and my friend.
Cinder Block 