A Not-So-Fresh Start

Without going into great detail, last year sucked and I was really looking forward to making 2016 a fresh start. I don’t know why flipping the calendar feels so significant but it does. Out with the old and in with the new, right? This is more than metaphorical for me, though. There are lots of ways in which I am actually starting over.

There are the good things – like deciding that anyone who wanted more information on “what happened” has either asked for it or drawn their own conclusions, putting it very much in the past. I have new league jobs where I feel as though I can less controversially make a solid contribution to our league’s business and my teammates. I am not as outgoing nor as trusting as I used to be, which I kind of feel is a bad thing, but wisdom doesn’t come easily and is always good.

While I’m getting my fresh start in the emotional (and political and social) aspects of my derby life, I feel as though my own body is at war with me:

• My sports medicine doctor says I suffer from Exertional Compartment Syndrome in my lower legs. He hasn’t done the pressure tests because it only happens while I am skating laps and doesn’t linger long after I stop or leak into my “real life,” so he doesn’t recommend me for surgery. The good part about knowing this is that finally a doctor listened to me! He asked a hundred questions! I know now that I struggled with my timed laps for as long as I did because there really was something wrong with me!  Regardless, after all this time, not being able to do more than a couple of laps without a ridiculous amount of suffering is more than discouraging. The more laps I do, the more it hurts so I slow down to manage the pain (and the eventual tingling and numbness and locking up) and then I slow down more just to maintain control. I imagine everyone is judging me – if not the first time they lap me, then definitely by the 4th, and the shame starts to hurt more than the pain and it is literally everything I can do not to take myself off the floor and sob about both. It makes me feel like I have no business skating but I passed my timed laps when I tried a couple months ago and I don’t hurt when I play (the doctor says because the movements aren’t as repetitive) so I’m here until neither of those things are true.
• I have developed Plantar Fasciitis in one of my feet. The good news is that it doesn’t hurt while I am skating. The bad news is that skating makes it hurt. A lot. So does running. So does just about everything involving my feet except getting pedicures.  This could improve when I lose some weight but it sure makes the road to get there a little more rocky. Maybe I will just wear my skates and get pedicures all the time. I’ll get a doctor’s note so no one can tell me I can’t.  I’m liking this idea…
• I have never learned how not to eat my feelings. Serving as league president, being the epicenter of a crisis caused mostly by ignorance and misunderstanding, and now taking on my challenging niece have given me a lot of feelings to eat. Not only have I regained every pound I lost when I started playing, but they brought friends.  This is disheartening but I know I have control. In fact, I actually came out of the holidays lighter than I went in so there’s hope! More than the weight, though, I was reaping other benefits like better blood pressure and heart rate and glucose levels.  Those are, fortunately, still better than they were when I started derby but not as good as they were 30 pounds ago. I am also getting some help for my feelings with anti-anxiety medicine. I feel like it’s important to say that because there is a stigma associated with getting mental help. Well, after experiencing a stress-related blood-pressure spike that probably should have given me a stroke, I didn’t have a choice but to try some medication to calm my nerves. I was grateful to still have the chance.

So, I start 2016 with some obstacles to overcome but I am delighted to have made our B-team (though I hope our C-team will allow me to sub for them) and am thrilled to come into this season as reigning home team champs!  For the first time since I started playing, I feel as though I have a place to build from and it’s comfortable. I know what I want – from the experience, from other people, and even with regard to gear. We’ll see what happens!