A Not-So-Fresh Start

Without going into great detail, last year sucked and I was really looking forward to making 2016 a fresh start. I don’t know why flipping the calendar feels so significant but it does. Out with the old and in with the new, right? This is more than metaphorical for me, though. There are lots of ways in which I am actually starting over.

There are the good things – like deciding that anyone who wanted more information on “what happened” has either asked for it or drawn their own conclusions, putting it very much in the past. I have new league jobs where I feel as though I can less controversially make a solid contribution to our league’s business and my teammates. I am not as outgoing nor as trusting as I used to be, which I kind of feel is a bad thing, but wisdom doesn’t come easily and is always good.

While I’m getting my fresh start in the emotional (and political and social) aspects of my derby life, I feel as though my own body is at war with me:

• My sports medicine doctor says I suffer from Exertional Compartment Syndrome in my lower legs. He hasn’t done the pressure tests because it only happens while I am skating laps and doesn’t linger long after I stop or leak into my “real life,” so he doesn’t recommend me for surgery. The good part about knowing this is that finally a doctor listened to me! He asked a hundred questions! I know now that I struggled with my timed laps for as long as I did because there really was something wrong with me!  Regardless, after all this time, not being able to do more than a couple of laps without a ridiculous amount of suffering is more than discouraging. The more laps I do, the more it hurts so I slow down to manage the pain (and the eventual tingling and numbness and locking up) and then I slow down more just to maintain control. I imagine everyone is judging me – if not the first time they lap me, then definitely by the 4th, and the shame starts to hurt more than the pain and it is literally everything I can do not to take myself off the floor and sob about both. It makes me feel like I have no business skating but I passed my timed laps when I tried a couple months ago and I don’t hurt when I play (the doctor says because the movements aren’t as repetitive) so I’m here until neither of those things are true.
• I have developed Plantar Fasciitis in one of my feet. The good news is that it doesn’t hurt while I am skating. The bad news is that skating makes it hurt. A lot. So does running. So does just about everything involving my feet except getting pedicures.  This could improve when I lose some weight but it sure makes the road to get there a little more rocky. Maybe I will just wear my skates and get pedicures all the time. I’ll get a doctor’s note so no one can tell me I can’t.  I’m liking this idea…
• I have never learned how not to eat my feelings. Serving as league president, being the epicenter of a crisis caused mostly by ignorance and misunderstanding, and now taking on my challenging niece have given me a lot of feelings to eat. Not only have I regained every pound I lost when I started playing, but they brought friends.  This is disheartening but I know I have control. In fact, I actually came out of the holidays lighter than I went in so there’s hope! More than the weight, though, I was reaping other benefits like better blood pressure and heart rate and glucose levels.  Those are, fortunately, still better than they were when I started derby but not as good as they were 30 pounds ago. I am also getting some help for my feelings with anti-anxiety medicine. I feel like it’s important to say that because there is a stigma associated with getting mental help. Well, after experiencing a stress-related blood-pressure spike that probably should have given me a stroke, I didn’t have a choice but to try some medication to calm my nerves. I was grateful to still have the chance.

So, I start 2016 with some obstacles to overcome but I am delighted to have made our B-team (though I hope our C-team will allow me to sub for them) and am thrilled to come into this season as reigning home team champs!  For the first time since I started playing, I feel as though I have a place to build from and it’s comfortable. I know what I want – from the experience, from other people, and even with regard to gear. We’ll see what happens!

My Derby Habits

Tonight, I was walking through the grocery store when I heard that I received a message.  Well, because I am afraid of creepers stealing my purse, it was buckled into the child seat, making it difficult extract my phone. I checked the message, responded, and – after deciding I didn’t want to wrestle it out of my purse should it go off again and realizing I had no pockets – I deftly slipped it into my bra with a sleight of hand that apprentice magicians would find inspiring. I kind of laughed to myself thinking about how I never did that before I joined derby and busied my mind while gathering the rest of my groceries with other things I never or seldom did before.

• I never worked out. OK, I did, but not with purpose.  I would join a gym and quit as soon as I could or buy home equipment and donate it in the next run to Good Will.  My health alone was not enough of a driver (which makes me sad to consider) to keep me motivated. Once I had laps to pass and struggled to do so, I started running and doing strength training regularly. Related to this one, I never bought or consumed protein products. Since learning the magic trick that protein supplements reduce how sore you are after a workout, I always have it on hand.
• I didn’t swear (as much).  So long-time friends are calling bullshit on this one because I have been cussing in front of my parents since I was in middle school. However, in the span of after high school and before derby, especially once my kid was born, I tried to keep my language clean. Not anymore. I can’t explain why exactly but I have an awful mouth. I think language is catchy and you speak what you hear and it just comes out.  Of course, if my kid tried to use that excuse after using bad language with me, he’d lose his video game privileges for a week. It’s totally a case of “do what I say and not as I do.”
• I never changed my shirt in mixed company. Now, inevitably, I will wear the wrong shirt on scrimmage night or am told to switch teams and it’s not like I am going to make a beeline for the ladies room. It’s just a sports bra. I blame Mia Hamm for making this normal.
• I never thought of bruises as a good thing. Now, my team mates and I show them off to each other at practice and post pictures on Facebook. If someone’s gaze dare linger on them long enough in the checkout line, they’re getting a bout flyer.
• I never played a team sport. I was a cheerleader but before it was sporty. I was in choir which is definitely a team effort but not a sport.  It’s an interesting dynamic because, when you fail, you’re not only letting yourself down. People get frustrated when they see their team mates performing beneath their capabilities – especially in a game!  I don’t think you can have derby without drama – but I have experienced so much camaraderie that makes my heart happy – like when one of our girls achieves something she has been working on or makes a noticeable improvement. For the most part, people are quick to recognize a job well done and it feels great.
• I had never hip-checked my husband for mercilessly mocking me. Bet he won’t do that again…and I barely touched him.
• I have never hugged/kissed/had my ass grabbed or smacked/dirty danced with/or, in general, experienced so much touching with other women. It happens a lot and it’s only weird at first. There is a ton of touching in the game – letting a teammate know you’re there, giving an assist, truck and trailering, backwards blocking cheek-to-cheek and so many more scenarios. It just builds a familiarity with one another that is fun to play around with off the track. Of course this doesn’t necessarily apply to everyone.  It happens to me more than I do it but it doesn’t bother me. It’s just silly – except the hugs and kisses, those are nice.
• I never thrived on violence. That sounds pretty extreme but I am serious! I love withstanding a solid hit, I love fighting to stay in or to push another player out of bounds, and – since doing it for the first time last week – I am a little addicted to laying a really good hit on someone.  I don’t even mind being knocked down – often I laugh and compliment my assailant. It’s bananas.
• I never spent so much time working without pay. As a committee head and peer mediator, I spend an utterly ridiculous amount of time working on league business for free – my husband probably spends even more as our graphic artist. We are totally invested in the success of the league and hold ourselves partially responsible for it.  I wish more people felt that way. There is so much to do beyond the skating.
• I never wore a tutu in public. We don’t skate in them but they are fun for public events. I don’t make a habit of wearing fishnets out and about, either, but they also make appearances from time to time.
• I was never proud of my body.  When I was at my most beautiful, I lacked the self-esteem to be happy about it. Now, I know I am far from perfect – I have bingo arms and a mommy pooch and several other flaws – but I am really strong. My gameplay has a long ways to go but I have done things on the track that the pre-derby me would never have been capable of and I am so proud of my progress.

Before and Now – the Details

Anytime I see a “before and after” in a health or beauty magazine, I want all the details. Height, weight, clothing size, age, how much could she eat, how much did she have to exercise, and how long it took. A picture may be worth a thousand words but there are specific words I am looking for.

So, here goes the details for my “before and now”. It’s funny how I am reticent to list my weight when it is obvious I am a big girl. It’s just a number and it isn’t even one that I use to measure my success.

Before – April 2012
Age: 38
Height: 5’3″
Weight: 246
Clothing Size: 22

Now – June 2013
Age: 39
Height: still 5’3″ 🙂
Weight: 216
Clothing Size: 16

Looking at it like this is not so impressive when you consider the amount of work I have put into it. I am certain that Weight Watchers (and I am a member) would tell you that you could lose this much weight without exercising at all in 14 months but, since my physical activities are also building lean muscle, my weight isn’t down as much as it could be.

Here is the formula that is working for me right now, in addition to derby practice 2-3 times a week:

Diet (everyday): I am a member of Weight Watchers online. This keeps me accountable with my eating in a convenient iPhone app. I can easily track my intake and ensure I am not overeating. I like the Weight Watchers plan because I can eat whatever I want – a bacon cheeseburger, a cupcake, a margarita – so long as I account for it. It teaches me the discipline of what it feels like to hold back a little and behave after an indulgence.

Weight watchers also allows you to accrue activity points for exercising that you can trade for more food – and roller skating earns a lot of activity points! It has been my experience that I lose more during weeks when I use those points and eat more than when I abstain.

Oh, and even though I can eat what I want, on most days I only drink water and coffee.

Strength Training (3 times per week): I had been going to Planet Fitness for strength training but always found it hard to get there so now I do strength training at home. I have just discovered a great app called Gain Fitness. You can indicate what equipment you have available to you and it will tailor workouts based on your chosen area of focus and intensity. The app itself is free but you can buy upgrades to have more exercise choices.  I also clip workouts out of magazines such as Self, Fitness, Health, and Oxygen and keep them in a folder for future reference.

I have collected a number of items for my home ‘gym’. I didn’t buy them all at once. Most add weight/resistance though the stability ball is versatile for a lot of things and the mat is just for comfort because I have all hard floors. There’s a jump rope too – great for cardio and agility. I haven’t mastered the foam roller yet but I’ve heard it’s amazing for stretching out in particular and also working on very specific muscles.

Cardio (3 times per week): I follow a running program designed to build endurance in the formerly (or currently) sedentary. The original program is Couch to 5k but the app I use is called Ease into 5k.  I cannot really speak to the specific differences. I had been using Couch to 5k via podcast in the past but, when I got my first iPhone, there was no Couch to 5k app so I used what was available.

I have completed the Ease into 5k program once and am now going through it again at a faster pace to improve my time. It pushes you a little more on every run until you are running for 30 minutes straight. It keeps track of the intervals between walking and running for you and allows you to put your own playlist behind it for inspiration.

However, I hate running. I just know it is the right thing to do. Here’s how I make it tolerable…

1. I run inside. This is Florida. I am not trying to kill myself but I know I am lucky to have a decent treadmill at home.
2. Look at the magazine rack in the photo. I play Netflix on an iPad (usually Doctor Who) while my phone times my Ease into 5k intervals. So that I don’t have to wear earphones, I have an aux cable between the iPad and an old CD player. It’s loud.
3. I have a bulletin board of inspiration featuring almost all derby and family stuff.  There are photos, a flyer featuring my favorite skater, an award I received for being awesome, press coverage, valentines from my teammates, one of my favorite drawings by Elektra Q. Tion, and a decal from our awesome sponsor GirlTuff.I do have a couple fitness-inspiring magazine pages toward the top of the bulletin board. One says, “Push yourself to failure and you will succeed.” I had to think about that for a minute and then loved it. The other says, “If you can find a path without obstacles, it probably doesn’t lead anywhere.” It speaks to my experience with derby so far.