Second Bout Full of Firsts

This past weekend, I had the sheer joy of skating in my second bout. I wasn’t as anxious as I had been the first time around – though I couldn’t stop thinking about the things I didn’t know, like the strength and speed of the other team and how I personally would fare against them.

There I am about to tripod (behind the ref).

So this was both my first away game and the first against another team. These were really good firsts. The floor at the venue is so beautiful and smooth. Not as sticky as our recently re-done home floor. It felt great. Insofar as skating against another team, I didn’t have any trouble getting around them to get to the front and I never took any really hard hits so it was a confidence boost.

Most of the time, in my own recollection as well as feedback I have received from others, I did a good job of knowing where to be, getting to the front, and working with my team. I pushed their jammer out once and tripodded once. I put on a couple of decent offensive blocks to help my own jammer through and, despite frequently navigating fallen skaters, I don’t think I fell myself. I felt a little more aware of and able to respond to what other people were telling me in this game than in the last. Overall, I feel pretty good about how it went.

Of course there were some glaring errors I can’t overlook – but that’s what we do, right? Scrutinize ourselves to the point that our victories don’t even matter?  Well, twice I lost their jammer and let her by without the slightest challenge or even a glance. The second time that happened, my whole team did it and I have no idea what we were paying attention to. This is one of the moments I will be looking for in the video. I also chased the jammer down a few times and did nothing with it – I don’t know if it was the fear of being out of play, the coach saying not to go for big hits, or if I am just in my head too much about the challenges I have hitting people.

My biggest error, representing two more firsts, came when I was given the chance to jam (first time in a bout) and promptly got called on a track cut (first trip to the box). I had just pushed my way through, had taken one or two free steps and was hit to the inside, unable to control my balance or momentum before I slipped back over the boundary. We had just achieved a big enough lead to give our coach the confidence to start rotating in the new girls with more frequency and I give them a power jam. Beautiful.

Being called on my track cut. So disappointing.

It really bummed me out. I mean, I don’t consider myself a jammer but, when I am called upon to do it, I want to be effective – or, at very least, not squander our lead. Fortunately, we went on to win the game 212 -158 or I would probably still be upset about it. So proud of my team of half vets and half newbies, especially of the vets who played about twice as much as the rest of us – get on with your bad ass stamina, ladies!

After the bout, we joined some teammates at the nearby Steak & Shake, opting out of the afterparty. I am so glad I went.  They asked how I was feeling following my first competitive bout. As soon as I started expressing my disappointment in myself, especially with regard to my turn at jamming, I was overwhelmed by an instant and unexpected outpouring of love and praise for things I do well. Some things they mentioned I hadn’t noticed myself (and surely hadn’t expected anyone else to notice) or would never claim to do well so it was really nice to hear.  What made me happiest was when they all agreed that they didn’t consider me a new girl anymore – marking another first. It was the first time in my derby life that something good happened before I thought it would.

1024gb of Inspiration

In writing the other two entries about my first bout, I mostly excluded the pieces involving my dear friend and derby mentor, Tera Bites, because there is just so much to say.

Having had the pleasure of sitting beside her watching games, I can tell you she yells without restraint – running the gamut of commentary from enthusiastic praise all the way to “What the f*** are you doing?” directed to skaters and refs, her team and the opponent. She’s always accurate and fast with these words and she is loud. I totally love it and listening to her while watching has taught me so much more than I could have learned watching alone.

Leading up to the big day, I was already feeling anxious and inadequate about her watching me play. What freaked me out most was being on the other side of her real-time feedback and knowing I would probably even hear it during the game. Of course, I couldn’t tell her that. First, I knew I needed whatever advice and criticism she had for me and, second, I didn’t want her to change anything just because I was, um, Tera-fied. I just hoped that I would do well enough to make her feel good about helping me, to prove I wasn’t a waste of her time.

I planned to battle these concerns by symbolically keeping her close that day. Part good juju, part homage to her awesomeness (and my fandom), and part recognition that she is missing from the track – I incorporated her into my boutfit.

• Tera’s likeness, including her inspiring words that got me through my final skills test, are on my helmet.
• I wrote her number on my leg.
• Perhaps most subtle (but also most meaningful) were my arm bands. When she found out that my number shared two digits with her own (which was unbelievably not a scheme on my part), she gave her arm bands to me right away and encouraged me to cover the one and the zero and wear them. When she put them on me (still bearing her number), I swear I almost swooned. When I used a black sharpie to make them say my number, it felt like a betrayal.

Did I really think this would help? Yes. I already do this for practice because she is on my helmet all the time. I can’t explain why but it makes me push a little harder, have a little more confidence. It’s like Obi-Wan Kenobi speaking into Luke’s mind to “use the force.”

When Tera arrived at the venue, she was uncharacteristically serene. We were able to share a few moments where she gave me some final words of encouragement and advice.

Take it jam by jam. Get to the front. Find a buddy. Don’t give up the inside. Know where both jammers are.

We sat together during the first bout where the coaching continued as we watched, mostly in the form of, “Don’t do that.”

Once my game started, I did hear her yelling just I expected I would – I heard her cheering for me! A lot! It was wonderful and bizarre and amazing after spending years anonymously cheering for her. I didn’t even hear her yell “what the f*** are you doing?” at me which was a huge victory! In the second half, she requested a “shout out” for me that was so personal and authentic, revealing both her joy for me and her heartbreak at not being able to skate herself.

Me & the amazing Tera Bites

As I write this and all of the emotions flood back, I don’t think I have been clear as to why Tera is so important to my derby life. In short, I wouldn’t be here without her. Yes, I had been cheering her on for years as a fan and found myself starstruck in her presence but, right before I finally passed my test, I quit. Not in words to the league (I was still trying to figure those out), but in my head and in my heart. My husband knew I was done and maybe a couple of others suspected it. I am sure Tera knew because, at the end, I wasn’t pushing through it so much as she was carrying me. Her words to me the night I finally passed that test, “Skate because I can’t,” changed my heart. After all she had done (and continues to do) to help me, giving up would have been a slap in her face. Quitting now would be totally offensive. I made it through my darkest derby hour because of her and now I need to keep going for both of us.

At the end of the night, she posted this, along with our awesome photographer’s best photo of me from the game, on Facebook. It felt like my biggest achievement to date.

Check out Ellen debuting in her first bout, going for it, and leaving it all on the track. I’ve gotten to watch her since her very first practice and I am so proud at what she has been able to accomplish.

Thank you, Bold City Photography!

Mixed Results

So it was another derbytastic weekend – with a bout on Saturday and practice on Sunday.

Saturday was great fun! Set up didn’t take as long as at the other venue. I had plenty of time to visit with friends and got to watch the entire first bout before working my ticket shift. M made a couple of new friends who sat with him as they all took turns with his gadgets, Eric was actually working the bout too (this will be covered in a future post), and a non-derby friend came to watch with me. Yay! Both of our teams won by incredible margins and a good time was had by all! After clean up, M asked to spend the night with my non-derby friend leaving Eric and I to head the after party with an overnight babysitter. By the end of the night, we danced, we laughed, we made new friends, had good conversations, and Eric and I stayed out later than we have since M was born. It was an amazing good time!

Because its relevant, I skipped breakfast and barely ate lunch and dinner…oops! Guess I love derby more than I love food 🙂

Getting up for Sunday practice was tough but I had missed last Sunday due to freshmeat practice being canceled so I really wanted to go. I woke up late and ran out the door without so much as a smoothie. Oh big mistake – especially in consideration of how little I ate yesterday. I was exhausted (but not hungover thank goodness) and starving. We started practice with speed and endurance – already my weaknesses but made even worse without food or sleep. My emotional state suffered too. I felt fragile and not at all like myself. I have never checked the clock so often at practice. I was embarrassed and exhausted and sad and I couldn’t wait for it to end. Fortunately, before it was over, I had received some very encouraging feedback and helpful advice from one of the coaches that improved my outlook. I also had a good conversation with some friends before we left that cheered me up too.

So, you win some and you lose some I guess. I’ll know better next time.